Wednesday, July 29, 2009

mint green Volkswagen beetles green Volkswagen beetles. I've seen at least four mint green Vokswagen beetles in the last week. And I swear to Blorg of I see one more mint green Volkswagen Beetle, I'm going to drive it into a tank full of metal eating piranas with explosive mines attached to their teeth!

I don't even know why I hate mint green volkswagen beetles so much. I don't mind powdered blue volkswagen beetles, or lipstick red volkswagen beetles, or neon pink volkswagen beetles. It's just the green ones.

They're just A sickening green. And they're short. And round looking. And they're ugly. And they don't contribute anything to society. And all they wanna do is have fun and cause mischief. I mean they around thinking their soooooo special. What did they ever do that was so great? All they do is make a lot of noise! And they're mean spirited and no one likes them and they cackle maniacally for no good reason and they've got stupid faces and no one even complimented them or commented on his cool top hat he brought to class that one time and they...


I have to go blow something up now.

Monday, July 27, 2009

My ever growing slug gut

Well I've been one lazy vaudevillian. I've been camped on the couch with Marley watching the evil cooking channel all week. Sure I know how to simmer and boil rabid turnips, but I can slowly feel my brain being sucked out of my nose while my limbs become numb and brittle and my butt steadily expands to the size of a plutonian slug!

Note to self: Use TV as a torture device.

But I digress. The point is my hat's been gathering more dust and cobwebs than usual, and I'll have no more of it! Tomorrow I'm going to prepare a stern regiment to get my pimply butt out of this slump:

Get up
Feed Marley
Take Marley for walk
Find cute damsel
Kidnap cute damsel
Tie said damsel to something
Steal candy from small child
Laugh at said child
Blow up something
Work on new doomsday device

That seems like a rather reasonable schedule, doesn't it? Tomorrow I'm going to get up, put on my top hat, and laugh maniacally at the world!

Right after I learn about this so-called pot roast to die for...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Your welcome world!

I like Firemen. And I'll tell you why. I look in my mailbox this morning and I found a letter from precinct 47 ,

"Listen you fat ugly jerk, we know you put all those cats in those trees. Twenty-three times. Twenty-three times we had to get a truck to pull some cat out of a tree. So thanks. Thanks for making our lives so goddamn hard. If we ever see you actually put a cat in a tree, we'll really give you a thank you! You can be sure of that!"

And I was like, Your welcome! Your welcome Firemen! I mean how thoughtful is that? That they'd go out of their way to send me a thank you note? I've never gotten a thank you note! Ever! And it just made me realize how much work I've done over the years and how I've helped so many people!

Honestly, where would half those heroes be without me? Sitting at home, living their boring little lives, with nothing to do. Us villains need to be appreciated more! Why can't more heroes be like firemen? I provide so much excitement for so many people and it just gets me choked up a little. I'd be tempted to cry if I had the eyes to do it with.

Well, I guess I'll just have to double my efforts from now on! Those firemen really deserve it!

Bwahahaha! Someone hand me my kitten cannon!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The first bwahaha of a long list of bwahahas

So, I finally decided to get a blog. Mainly because I like the way it sounds. BLOOOOOOOGGG! It sounds like someone just threw up a wet hamster into someone's face! And that just makes me feel all tingly inside.

I've noticed that all the well-to-do super villains have been getting blogs as well. Dr. Whatever-his name is...that guy with the seven arms...I AM NOT A TREND CHASER! I just like being...modern. Do you see any other space aliens with top hats? Nooooo.

Which reminds me; people should wear more fancy hats. OR ELSE!

So...I guess I'll be talking about my everyday life more often; watching movies, meeting people, kidnapping said people, the usual. AND YOU WILL READ IT! Why? Because I have many fancy hats. And a rocket launcher that shoots gerbils. But enough about my hobbies. I'm tired of typing.

Forever your slimy super villain,
Rupert McSkeevy.