Thursday, September 10, 2009

Meanwhile in the lavatory of doom...

Ok, ok I guess I should do a real post. It's not like I can afford to lose any of my audiance.

So the other day I hired a professional voice over guy to narrate my actions while I'm actually doing them. You know, like in comics and those old corny superhero shows. His name is Gerald. Gerald just said,

"The horrible green miscreant types away furiously at his internet blog, however futile the attempt may be!"

That's what I like to hear, Gerald. You know it really just pulls together the whole damned experience when you've got a gorgeous damsel in a min-skirt, trussed up in a precarious position, dangling over a large pit of ravenous sea bass, and a guy in a fancy suit booms out:

"The helpless damsel struggles against her binds furiously, but to no avail! The villainous cur cackles maniacally! He wrings his hands menacingly lying in wait for the girl's inevitable doom!"

It's stuff like that that gets me just tingly all over. And Marley seems to like him. Which is strange because being a 20 foot long 300 lb tentacle monster, he doesn't like many people. Well he likes eating them, but that's different. And I managed to write him off as a work expense so he's not even that expensive! I'd highly recommend a professional voice over guy in whatever field you're working in.

It just gets a might awkward when I walk into the lavatory to do my vile dirty business and all I hear outside is:

"Meanwhile in the lavatory of doom, the monster pushes and struggles...using every ounce of his strength to release the demon within himself! But his efforts are met with only the stench of defeat and flatulence..."

Just...odd. And not the good kind of odd like you get from underneath the park bench. Well, a little good odd. Anyways, I have some nightly stalking to get to. Take us out Gerald!

"At last, the cruel being from beyond the stars has finished his internet blog! A wave of warm fulfillment rushes through his lanky fingers! But how long will this refreshing feeling last? And what devious adventures lie in wait for this social deviant of a sociopath? Tune in next time, faithful readers!"

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

been awhile...

The many readers of my blog may be wondering why I haven't posted in awhile. All six of you. That's primarily because I've failed to give a crap.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

one of those days

Yeeeeuck. You ever have one of those days that leaves a bad taste in your mouth? And not the good kind of bad taste like moldy cheese or aged gum from underneath the chair.

Today I met the most annoying maiden I've ever had the displeasure to kidnap. From the get-go it was just horrendous. For starters, the tiny chihuahua she kept in her bag tasted awful. Just awful. Stringy, tasteless, and barking all the way down. I don't know what she put on it but that was just the worst small animal I've eaten since the chipmunk fiasco three months ago.

Then when I swept her over my shoulder to actually kidnap her, she complained about my posture and wouldn't stop whining until I brought her shopping bag full of shoes with us. What am I, her butler? I can't be bothered with heels and pumps!

And she would not stop complaining the whole way through! "I'm tired!" "Don't mess up my hair!" "This is sexual harassment!" "Your hat is tacky!" "My cell phone doesn't get signal in this area!"

Thank Blorg for the guy who invented ball gags.

And then I start tying her to the train tracks and her fracking cellphone won't stop ringing! And of course it's one of those annoying pop song rings that I just can't stand.

And the worst of it is I'm sitting there waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, watching her squirm, and...nothing happens. There's construction on the line. Won't be another train for a week.

What a waste of a day. To think the number of rabid hamster I could have shot into a crowd of Japanese tourists instead of going on that whole useless adventure. Bleaaahh!

Well I'm just going to curl up with Marley and read a good book. I've been meaning to pick up "I was a teenage slime monster and you can too" again.

Here's the real question:

Where does belly button lint come from? And if I eat it, will it travel back to my belly button from whence it came?

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Whatever happened to good cartoons?

So I've been back on my couch numbing my brain on fruitless television for obvious reasons, and I just discovered my new favorite old show: "The perils of Penelope Pitstop" The whole cartoon revolves around "The Hooded Claw" kidnapping the blond haired damsel, Penelope, and puting her in precarious positions. One involved a sippy-bird, rope, and a pit full of crocodiles and another one involved chains, a Frankenstein-esque laboratory, electrodes, a melting lamp, and a giant ice cube filled with frozen electric eels.

They've been running an all night marathon. Needless to say, I've been keeping a notebook handy.

But it just makes me wonder, whatever happened to good old fashioned wholesome cartoons? You know the ones. Villain meets girl, villain kidnaps girl, villain ties girl to train tracks, hero ruins everything, villain shakes fists and skulks away...I'd like to think it's classic 60's and 70's cartoon programing that made me the alien I am today.

Whatever happened to penelope pitstop and the hooded claw? Or Snidely Whiplash? Or the big bad wolf? Or the more adventurous scooby-doo villains?

Who else am I missing? I have to set up my tivo and order some dvds...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

mint green Volkswagen beetles green Volkswagen beetles. I've seen at least four mint green Vokswagen beetles in the last week. And I swear to Blorg of I see one more mint green Volkswagen Beetle, I'm going to drive it into a tank full of metal eating piranas with explosive mines attached to their teeth!

I don't even know why I hate mint green volkswagen beetles so much. I don't mind powdered blue volkswagen beetles, or lipstick red volkswagen beetles, or neon pink volkswagen beetles. It's just the green ones.

They're just A sickening green. And they're short. And round looking. And they're ugly. And they don't contribute anything to society. And all they wanna do is have fun and cause mischief. I mean they around thinking their soooooo special. What did they ever do that was so great? All they do is make a lot of noise! And they're mean spirited and no one likes them and they cackle maniacally for no good reason and they've got stupid faces and no one even complimented them or commented on his cool top hat he brought to class that one time and they...


I have to go blow something up now.

Monday, July 27, 2009

My ever growing slug gut

Well I've been one lazy vaudevillian. I've been camped on the couch with Marley watching the evil cooking channel all week. Sure I know how to simmer and boil rabid turnips, but I can slowly feel my brain being sucked out of my nose while my limbs become numb and brittle and my butt steadily expands to the size of a plutonian slug!

Note to self: Use TV as a torture device.

But I digress. The point is my hat's been gathering more dust and cobwebs than usual, and I'll have no more of it! Tomorrow I'm going to prepare a stern regiment to get my pimply butt out of this slump:

Get up
Feed Marley
Take Marley for walk
Find cute damsel
Kidnap cute damsel
Tie said damsel to something
Steal candy from small child
Laugh at said child
Blow up something
Work on new doomsday device

That seems like a rather reasonable schedule, doesn't it? Tomorrow I'm going to get up, put on my top hat, and laugh maniacally at the world!

Right after I learn about this so-called pot roast to die for...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Your welcome world!

I like Firemen. And I'll tell you why. I look in my mailbox this morning and I found a letter from precinct 47 ,

"Listen you fat ugly jerk, we know you put all those cats in those trees. Twenty-three times. Twenty-three times we had to get a truck to pull some cat out of a tree. So thanks. Thanks for making our lives so goddamn hard. If we ever see you actually put a cat in a tree, we'll really give you a thank you! You can be sure of that!"

And I was like, Your welcome! Your welcome Firemen! I mean how thoughtful is that? That they'd go out of their way to send me a thank you note? I've never gotten a thank you note! Ever! And it just made me realize how much work I've done over the years and how I've helped so many people!

Honestly, where would half those heroes be without me? Sitting at home, living their boring little lives, with nothing to do. Us villains need to be appreciated more! Why can't more heroes be like firemen? I provide so much excitement for so many people and it just gets me choked up a little. I'd be tempted to cry if I had the eyes to do it with.

Well, I guess I'll just have to double my efforts from now on! Those firemen really deserve it!

Bwahahaha! Someone hand me my kitten cannon!